Have you ever had one of those nights? You’re restless. You open the frig, don’t see anything you want. You flip through the channels on tv, then you look at Netflix, then you turn on your computer and get lost in YouTube for a while, then your email. You turn the computer off. You turn on some music, clean. Maybe half-heartedly dance around the room. Finally, you grab a book. Stare at a page. Ten minutes later, you’re trying to read the page for the twelfth time, but the words just don’t stick in your head. It all got painful a while ago. You feel like you should be doing something. But you can’t figure out what. Or you’re forgetting something. Something important, but your mind just can’t find it.
If it goes on long enough, you start feeling down. Frustrated. Angry. You’re not sure about what. But you might even get sad. Maybe even really sad. Like you’re mourning something that you can’t identify; something you’re not sure you ever even had. Like, crying yourself to sleep, wailing into your pillow sad. The worst part? You have no idea why. Where did it come from? What brought it on?
It’s a terrifying feeling. You start asking yourself, what is wrong with me? Why am I so sad? But it’s not depression. You aren’t unhealthy. You don’t have a chemical imbalance or a jacked-up mind. In fact, you don’t really have much of anything to complain about. Your day-to-day life might be a little boring, but so is most people’s. You love your family; your spouse is great; you don’t hate your job…you might not love your job, but again, most people don’t. You’re stable. You’re comfortable.
So, why do you feel trapped? Why do you feel like you should be doing something else, but you don’t know what? They ask you those questions whenever you bring it up, whomever They are. If not this, then what? I don’t know. If not with him, then who? I don’t know. If not this city, then where? I don’t know. The answer is always…I don’t know. Then it is followed by the inevitable: What do you want? What is it that is making you unhappy? Again…I don’t know. Past trauma? No! Feelings of worthlessness? Nope, try again! They say to figure it out and then come talk to them again, now that you’ve annoyed them. You never go back or try not to bring it up. They can’t help you. They want to, but they can’t. They just don’t get it. You can’t point to any one aspect of your life and say this is it! This is the overarching thing that I need to change. In fact, in many areas you are more than happy. You may even be ecstatic. Taken separately, most of the pieces are good. But put all together as a whole? The overwhelming emotion is: Meh. Anyone who knows what I’m talking about, please raise your hand.
A few years ago, I was trying to sum up this feeling. The best I could come up with was that I felt a profound disappointment toward my life. Like I was expecting so much more. I got myself all hyped up and then arrived where I was, finally looked up and around and went Really? This is it? I felt like I was gypped somewhere along the way. Where? I don’t know.
Annoying isn’t it? The 'I don't knows. ' Don’t feel bad. It is for me too.
So many things I don’t know, but there are many things I do. I know I want to be happy…whatever that might look like on any given day. And I know that I don’t feel that strongly negative all the time. I mostly have moments. I sometimes have afternoons, and, on the outside, strings of days that the feeling is overwhelming and distracting. But the rest of the time? I’m good.
When I’m not, I do everything I can think of to try and fix it. I struggle against it. I am filled with motivation. I read self-help books about finding happiness and creating a fulfilling life. I throw myself into hobbies. I try to make new social connections. For the afternoon or, on the outside, a string of days. Then, just as feel I may actually be getting somewhere, the feeling goes away. But not because I’ve solved the problem. Not because I’ve finally found the Thing I’ve been missing all along. But because I’ve momentarily moved on from the feeling. Why? I don’t know. (sorry, I can't help it) So, I no longer feel the need to work so hard at being happy and I stop throwing myself at the issue.
It will be back. It always comes back. But I will have lost all momentum or train of thought that I was desperately grasping at the last time. That’s fine because what felt like it might have been working last time won’t necessarily feel like it’s working this time…so I pick myself up, dust myself, and start all over again, as the song goes. And the cycle continues forever and ever ad nauseum.
I have come to understand that it is a quirk of my personality, just like my tendency to laugh at inappropriate moments. I try not to read too much into it. But I am always, always frustrated by it. I am comforted only in the fact that it isn’t all the time and there are others out there just like me. Approximated 20% based on a statistic I read not too long ago (though where they got that number I don’t know. It seems high to me…I would think that of all the people I’ve tried to explain it to, at least one would have fallen into that percentage by now).
So. How do we get un-gypped? How do we fix it? How do we take all that motivation that we have in those moments and actually make something long-term out of it? Is the effort even worth it, outside of those frantic moments? Would it even make a difference in the long run? Will I ever just accept this facet of my multi-faceted being? I want to. There are no universal answers to be found.
So, where does this leave us?
Turns out, there is a silver lining. In those moments of frustration and searching for a solution, something amazing happens. You start to have fun. You learn. You grow. You run across things that you will enjoy and even come to love. Japanese culture, geocaching, dancing, medieval combat, travel, cooking, ghost hunting, tai chi, backpacking, steampunk, Roman history, photography, just to name a few of mine. They will forever be a part of your journey and in the long run, you become a more rounded, worldly person for having experienced them. You come to appreciate things you may never have considered trying if you hadn’t been desperate. So maybe in that way, this quirk of personality is really a blessing. Yeah, there’s a downside, but few things don’t have one.
So, enjoy your quirk…even while it drives you crazy. Make the most of it. You won’t regret it. Why do I believe that?
I don’t know.
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