I’ve had people tell me my whole life that I’m brave.
Geo-caching, I’ll be the first one to stick my hand in a dark hollow in a tree trunk. I don’t think anything of going out to dinner or to a movie alone. Or doing pretty much anything else by myself. I hike alone. Take long road trips alone. I go to wine tastings and conventions, you guessed it, alone. The dark might unnerve me a little, but it doesn’t stop me from going out in it. I’ve moved across the country a few times to places I didn’t know anyone and had to get used to. I explore. I love trying new things (except Zombie Skittles…sorry sis, had to draw a line somewhere). Still scary, but in that nervous, excited, adrenaline zing kind of a way. So, I’ve got the bravery down for that kind of stuff.
Another flavor of bravery has a lot to do with confidence. Again, there are a lot of areas where I am very confident. My job, my intelligence, speaking up for myself. My opinions. Really, really confident in my opinions. So much so, that sometimes I come off as arrogant. I am aware, I am working on it. Humility. Ha ha.
But, in other areas I struggle. All those areas where criticism causes that deep-down kind of hurt. The ones that really stick with you long after the moment passes. The ones that we pretend to laugh off, or not care about, but in reality, are the ones that cut the deepest. The most damaging to us and our fragile feelings.
Vulnerability sucks. It’s something that I’m working on (thank you Brené Brown). I think that’s why I haven’t ever tried to publish. And why I’ve only recently allowed someone else to read my writing. Fear. Fear holds so many of us back from so much in our lives. Fear of rejection, humiliation, judgement. And the always present fear of failure. Ah, failure. Scaring the bejesus out of people since 40,000 B.C.E. (depending on which scientist you talk to).
We writers put so much of ourselves into our words. They reveal things about us that many of us have buried or that we are reluctant to talk about. Or admit (sometimes even to ourselves). It reveals our inner most thoughts; our secrets. It’s difficult enough getting it all on paper, but to let someone else see it?!? Letting someone in to see all the mess is terrifying. TERRIFYING.
There are lots of things I find terrifying.
Trying to cultivate new relationships. Telling someone a fantasy. Admitting that I am irrationally scared of something (not in a funny, ha-ha kind of way, but in a real visceral way). Showing my real, unfiltered, odd self. Making the decision to trust someone to catch me (I mean this both literally and figuratively; trust falls are stupid). Letting someone in is always scary. Mostly because there is always that possibility that they are going to tear us up. The worst part is that every time it happens, it reinforces that little voice in the back of our heads that tells us we are worthless, or that there is something wrong with us. That we aren’t enough. It never gets easier, so many of us avoid it whenever possible.
Like many others, I don’t like people to see me when I feel weak or scared or useless. Does anyone else hate it when you are upset and someone you care about wants to give you a hug? It’s obvious they care, and they are trying to help, and all I want is for them to go away and let me be miserable in peace. And then I feel guilty that I’m pushing them away. Because, they really are just trying to help. Which sometimes causes me to lash out…It’s a whole thing. I’m coming to accept…slowly… that being strong and capable and being vulnerable and accepting help are not mutually exclusive.
But the big thing I need to keep reminding myself, the thing I have to keep telling myself over and over (and over and over…) again until I believe it, is: Even if it’s terrifying, even if it feels like it’s ripping your insides out, you need to keep going. The rewards for pushing through and being brave, particularly in those areas, are so worth it. So satisfying. It leads to break throughs and growth. It leads to a deep understanding and acceptance of the complete, complex, multi-faceted, contradictory, beautiful person you really are. It leads to love. It allows you to believe that a more fulfilling, happy life is possible. And cultivates an inner strength that can get you through anything this crazy universe can throw at you. And I think all that is worth feeling any amount of fear.
Don’t you?
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